


Stupid and Anxious

by Springoffanfiction



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anger, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Arguing, Depression, F/F, Hurt, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insomnia, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attack, Self-Harm, Song fic, Toxic Relationship, Yelling, self-depricating, self-hate, toxic past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22315504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Springoffanfiction/pseuds/Springoffanfiction
Summary: Alalea hates herself so fucking much. She really doesn't need some stupid shit to remind her. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. Reminds her that without the other, she is nothing. Reminds her how pathetic and stupid she is.Fuck it all.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character
Kudos: 3





	Stupid and Anxious

**Author's Note:**

> tw//cutting, self harm, anorexia, self hate, toxic relationship, suicide attempt
> 
> An angsty song fic I wrote at midnight because insomnia and anger issues and overwhelming depression.
> 
> And yes I project on Alalea okay-

_You talk a lot about me now_

Alalea was beyond mad at this point- she was furious. Livid. 

_But I stay disconnected_

Lanfild didn't give a shit. "What are you doing this time?" she sneered.

  
_I really really learned my lesson_  
_You packed a punch that knocked me down_

Alalea clenched her fists, feeling the bruise on her cheek. "You bitch!" she hissed quietly, tears adding new streaks through the blood and dirt on her face.

  
_You use to leave me so damn breathless_  
_The knock to my door, the lock to my necklace_

"What the fuck did you say?" Lanfild growled dangerously. "You know you're nothing without me. You're just a fat, worthless piece of trash that's not even worth recycling. No one would miss you if you were gone. I'm the only one who'd even **notice**."

  
_Just talk to me more, I don't care that I'm reckless_  
_My life is pathetic, should I just go, should I just end this?_

Alalea was crying with blood dripping from her wrists and thighs and ribs and everywhere. Again. And Lanfild knew. She didn't give a fuck.

  
_Miss codependent. You made me believe that our love was endless_  
_And I'm so naive to think that I'm defenseless. I'm stupid and anxious_

"I'm leaving!" Alalea screamed. "I'm breaking up with you for real this time!"

  
_Can you just shut up, let me finish a sentence_  
_Just let me finish a sentence_

Lanfild spun around. "Like hell you are! You're going to go where, huh? Without me, you lose your place at my parent's house. And then you'll be back to square one, where I found you. Dirty and pathetic, homeless in the park. No one to turn to. So touch starved, so lonely, you practically lept into this relationship. So don't be fucking backing out now!"

  
_Can you just shut up, let me finish a sentence_  
_Just let me finish a sentence_

Alalea was wrong. She wasn't leaving and she never was because Lanfild was right she was nothing nothing **nothing** without her girlfriend and she had no one not even Enzea or Vanyali or Astrid because she pushed them away because Lanfild told her to and she was too deep in this shit to get herself out now.

  
_I'm so god damn sick of my hea_ _rt getting messed with_  
_I can't see shit through your broken intentions_

There was only one option left. It was clear. She couldn't stay.

  
_I hope you hurt like hell cause I'm going to heaven_  
_I can't see shit through your broken intentions_  
"Go to hell!" Lanfild screamed at her, the resounding crack of Alalea's wrist joining into the loud chaos.

  
_I talk a lot about you now_  
_I talked about how I'd forget this_

"Fine! I will!" 

  
_And even though I learned my lesson I am now_  
_The only one to never sleep alone_

A blade to her broken wrist, a blade held with her broken wrist. An escape, a coping mechanism.

  
_Is the freedom fun when you turn off your phone?_  
_I guess I'll never know, so just take off your clothes_

But there was so fucking much blood. Was her vision usually this dark?

  
_We can stop at the store_  
_And we can drink till we can't think_

Oh well. Might as well go the whole way.

  
_"So, what are you stopping me for?_  
_Isn't this what you wanted?"_

Lanfild stared with wide brown eyes, hands cradling her bleeding girlfriend. "I... I didn't mean it!" she whispered.

  
_Miss Codependent_  
_You made me believe that our love was endless_

Alalea woke in a hospital. With no one and nothing. Yet again.

  
_And I'm so naive to think that I'm defenseless_  
_I'm stupid and anxious_

Left from house to house, slowly losing herself, slowly losing every sense of identity. 

  
_Can you just shut up, let me finish a sentence_  
_Just let me finish a sentence_

So fucking many fights, so many houses, so many fleeting chances snatched away.

  
_Can you just shut up, let me finish a sentence_  
_Just let me finish a sentence_

Nothing really stuck. She couldn't keep a single fucking thing.

  
_"I'm so god damn sick of my heart getting messed with_  
_I can't see shit through your broken intentions"_

No one truly cared except Lanfild. Was it too late now? Too late to go back? She was right all along. Alalea was nothing but an empty skeleton without her ex-girlfriend.

  
_I hope you hurt like hell cause I'm going to heaven_  
_I can't see shit through your broken intentions_

Oh well. No one cared, might as well try again.

A new hospital, a new set of white walls, a new start. All over again. But this time, someone was... waiting? 

"Enzea?"

**Author's Note:**

> no im not in a toxic relationship lol  
> or a relationship at all  
> Enzea is Alalea's long-lost sister, they don't really know they're sisters yet. They're just friends as far as they know. In the Inheritance Cycle universe, Lanfild is actually Alalea's "evil stepmother" type person but in the Modern AU she's the crazy ex-girlfriend.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8dfhowdeeE song by Joel Faviere


End file.
